Conditions of Love
14 September 2004, 11 am | Observation
Not in heaven do we learn to love God, but here on earth.
— Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, Everlasting Life
A couple weeks ago, I posted the following question: “What are the consequences of conditional love?” I have been contemplating this question in attempt to better understand Jesus’ call to love unconditionally. I was surprized, but I should not have been, on where it lead me.
I want to quote several reader’s comments to this question about conditional love here because they are the first steps into understanding:
There are many consequences to conditional love. Disappointment, letdown, divorce, heartbreak, etc. I lived in a world with conditional love, and I’ve lived in one without. I much prefer the one without. — Liesa
The effects of conditional love are all around us…for such quality is what man generates. Everything about us sets boundaries, for it is the world into which we are born. … — Jim
The worst consequence is that it adversely affects our relationship to God, since it’s very hard to conceive of unconditional love if we’ve never experienced it. — TSO
Each of these comments touch upon different aspects of the conditionality of our love. Liesa’s comment is directly related to the near after-effects of conditional love—the fact that others will disappoint us and we will disappoint them. Jim’s comment is more along the lines of why—because we live in a fallen world separated from God; it is our human nature. And TSO’s comment is about the long-term effect—it keeps us separated from God and from each other.
TSO’s comment also sheds light on a discussion I had with an atheist back in March. This particular atheist did not understand unconditional love. In fact, he said that “[unconditional] love is not just insulting, but a bad thing” because it is “an insult to love that comes from earned appreciation.”
Why? Why do we love conditionally? Is our source of love for others solely based on “earned appreciation”? Or is love merely deepened by appreciation? What is in us that prevents unconditional love? (Note: These questions assume that unconditional love is the goal. If you do not believe in this goal, read on.)
In a nutshell, conditional love is the result of a long chain of reasoning coupled with emotions:
conditional love
↑
lack of indifference
↑
judgement
↑
utility
↑
fear
Conditional love is based on the lack of indifference. We want to be different. We want the people we love to be different. We want to be special, to be separate. In our selfishness, we crave to be the most important, or at least one of the most important things in another person’s life. We want to segregate the ones we love from the rest of the world in a vain attempt to elevate our own self-esteem, and in turn, feed into their self-esteem. This desire to be separate, to be special to someone else stems from a sense of pride and a need for attention. Ah! The need for attention.
TSO recently posted this excerpt from Tony Hendra’s book Father Joe that addresses our need for attention. There is a hidden connection to conditional love:
Fr. Joe: Needing attention is a powerful force in the world, isn’t it?
Hendra: Absolutely. Most people would think of it as a very natural need. Almost a right.
Fr. Joe: By “natural” you mean “morally neutral”?
Hendra: Touche.
Fr. Joe: Without God, people find it very hard to know who they are or why they exist. But if others pay attention to them, praise them, write about them, discuss them, they think they’ve found the answers to both questions.
Lack of indifference is based on judgement. Judgment is a decision over something or someone as being better or worse, more or less. Someone is judged as being more acceptable, more appropriate, more lovable than another based on their differences. Judgement, as Jim noted above, builds boundaries and borders between people. Mother Teresa once said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Judgement limits us; it leads to restrictions instead of to freedom.
The criteria used for such judgments is based on our notions of utility. What is useful to me? How does this person make me feel? How do I make them feel? Do I feel accepted, noticed, important? Is the love reciprocated? Is there a level of intimacy, a connection between two hearts? (Please do not confuse the word intimacy with its comtemporary connotation with sex.)
I do not want to diminish the importance of these feelings. They help us decide who we are going to be close to, who will be our friends, companions and lovers. These decisions of utility usually involve our emotions, the “warm fuzzies.” But, decisions based on utility tends to force us to view people as objects, not as persons. Objects to be used. Objects to be manipulated. Objects to be abandoned, ignored, discarded.
And finally, notions of utility are based on fear. We use people to avoid our fears of being alone, unwanted, unnoticed, and unimportant. We want to avoid being hurt and/or abandoned. Fear devastates our ability to trust, to love, and to open up to others. Fear builds a wall around our hearts and constricts our growth from being fully human. Fear breaks the possibility of a connection between two human hearts before it even has a chance to reach out for the other. And in a most depressing twist of irony, fear actually diminishes what it tries to protect and preserve.
Philip St. Romain, in Reflecting on the Serenity Prayer, sums up conditional love best:
Accepting the limitations of our human condition is not an easy matter. Every one of us has been raised in a world of conditional love. We are taught in many ways that our value as human beings depends on what we can do, what we possess, who we are, or how we look. This developmental milieu leaves our minds constantly on alert for ways to meet the conditions by which we can obtain love and acceptance. We become committed to creating these conditions for ourselves, even if it means becoming dependent on others to do it for us. All these factors contribute to the selfishness and willingness in everybody. It is the way we compensate for very deep feelings of fear and shame, which are emotional consequences of being loved conditionally or of being rejected and abused outright.
Let’s be realistic. We cannot be intimate or close with everyone. We cannot, and dare not risk, our most intimate, personal feelings and secrets with just anybody. But, unconditional love, agape, does not call us to that. Unconditional love is not an emotion. William Barclay wrote, “Agape has to do with the mind: it is not simply an emotion which rises unbidden in our hearts; it is a principle by which we deliberately live.” The key word here is deliberate! Unconditional love is not about feelings. It is about the will. Who do you will to love? Who do you will to serve? Why do you choose deliberately to love some but not others? What are your conditions?
Jesus calls us to remove those conditions, whatever they might be, and love your neighbor as yourself, unconditionally. (You do love yourself, don’t you? You do serve yourself, don’t you?) You choose to love others by serving them, giving yourself to them, not as servants, but as someone worthy of respect and dignity, just like them. Each of us carries the spark of the divine in our souls. To disrespect another disrespects the divine in them, and ultimately disrespects ourself since we are all connected together through Christ.
To finish Jim’s quote from above, he writes that the prescription to avoid conditional love is Jesus. Jesus is the only way for us to step out of ourselves and move outward to others, to love and to serve.
…Only Christ “in” us can produce “agape”. Only He can fulfill us in many areas: joy, peace, compassion, and the list goes on. Too often we try to “re-create” ourself in Him rather than allow Him to re-birth Himself in us, therein the distinction of whether we actually possess the Kingdom of God or whether it possesses us….
Thanks to Liesa, Jim, and TSO for the quotes.
![[image: 'Smiling Jesus']](http://journal.cowpi.com/grafiks/sidebar/smiling-jesus2.jpg "'Smiling Jesus'")
![[Jerusalem Cross with Heart]](http://cowpi.com/journal/grafiks/jerusalem-cross-heart.gif "Jerusalem Cross with Heart")
Comments
-applauds-
That was fantastic! It really is what Jesus said, love your neighbour as yourself. So many people seem to misunderstand unconditional love, or rather love period. This post is wonderful, I hope those who need to see it, do.
∼ πλ · 14 September 2004, 4 pm · by Liesa ¬
It’s a great post, Mark. I would add only that, in my own opinion, we yet fail, even in Christ, when we think ourSELF capable of “duplicating” what only God can produce. In other words, instead of trying to become Christ-like, we need to simply decrease that He might increase within us and overflow through us unto others………….
∼ πλ · 14 September 2004, 7 pm · by Jim ¬
I agree, it’s all very well said.
When you wrote about indifference and judgement, it reminded me of part of Ignatius’ Principles & Foundations - we should be indifferent to all things, not preferring one over the other (i.e. - no attachments). Our attachments to things - in this case, mostly our own internal attachments to pride, fear, envy and so on - keep us from agape love. While we can’t produce such love ourselves, we sure can get in the way!
∼ πλ · 15 September 2004, 5 am · by Steve Bogner ¬
Excellent article, especially the point that unconditional love is not about feelings, it is about will. I’ll never forget how struck I was when I read about it in terms of loving ourselves … we do it always even when we are mad at ourselves or hate something we’ve done.
∼ πλ · 16 September 2004, 1 pm · by Julie D. ¬
I may get killed here, but please hear me out. I can’t find anywhere in Scripture where we are called to love unconditionally. I think comes from an overbroad translation of the word agape. There is not enough use in Koinei Greek to assume that the word means Godly unconditional love. Indeed, in John 3:19, the people “agape-ed” the darkness rather than the light. This is anything but godly unconditional love. This love is conditioned on the darkness’s capability to cover their evil.
Further, righteousness demands at times that we love one person over another, say a mother’s children over her abusive husband based on his behavior. She should even prefer to leave for her own sake rather than stay under his abuse.
I believe it is better to say that our love should be PREconditioned on Christ’s love for the church. Even God does not love his children unconditionally. He loves them based on Christ’s finished work on the cross. Without this, he would doom all to hell. It is true that his grace is unmerited, but that is not the same thing as unconditional.
I went a little deeper here: http://blueg.typepad.com/minas_tirith/2003/12/unconditional_l.html
Grace and peace!
∼ πλ · 16 September 2004, 3 pm · by Bill Lueg ¬
Bill..
You really feel that God would doom us all to hell had it not been for Christ? I’m sitting here trying to figure out how you came to that conclusion, since humanity stretched on for thousands and thousands of years prior to Christ without being doomed to hell. It was only the last few hundred years between the OT prophets and Christ with nothing heard from God that we know of.
Just trying to understand why you think God would doom us to hell. I for one, believe that God loves us all unconditionally. He is always there for us, no matter how much we ignore Him, how is that preconditioned love based on His Son’s love for the Church? And really, it was Christ’s love of HUMANITY not the Church that put him where he is. The Church wasn’t even formed until many many years after his death. How is it relevant?
∼ πλ · 17 September 2004, 12 am · by Liesa ¬
Bill, I don’t see a conflict between unconditional love and justice. There’s no conflict in my opinion, when we are called to love both the abused (abused children in your example) and the abuser, while at the same time seeking peace and justice. Justice isn’t simply punishment of the abuser (though everyone is accountable to the law), but also liberation for the both the abused and the abuser. And I don’t think justice is conditional love - loving one more than another, in an effort to punish one or protect another.
∼ πλ · 17 September 2004, 6 am · by Steve Bogner ¬
Bill,
You have an advantage over me since I do not know Greek. But, I have to disagree on several of your statements.
“…righteousness demands at times that we love one person over another…”
I believe that this is confusing love with justice and mercy. I know it is an old cliché, but what about loving the sinner and hating the sin? Christians are called to separate the behavior from the person. That is why our love for others is so conditional; we have a very hard time separating the two. Furthermore, justice requires that you remove yourself from an abusive relationship but that does not mean we love the abuser less. In fact, we are called to try to love them even more!
“Even God does not love his children unconditionally.”
What about John 3:16?
Do you believe that God loves His son Jesus unconditionally? If not, then that blows up any concept of the Trinity into non-existence. If yes, then look at John 15:9, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” Which in turn adds infinite depth to John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (I believe this is just one piece of scripture calling us to unconditional love. It may not use the word “agape” in the original Greek, but it screams unconditional love to me.)
“He loves them [his children] based on Christ’s finished work on the cross.”
Which came first: God’s love for us or Jesus’ sacrifice for us? I believe God’s love came first, then He sent his Son to re-bridge the gap between us.
“…his grace is unmerited, but that is not the same thing as unconditional.”
Why not? Grace rains down from heaven onto believers and non-believers alike. There are no conditions on sending that grace. It is there in the hope that people will be open to it and turn toward God. There *is* a condition for getting back into heaven—you have to accept that grace by saying “yes.”
“I may get killed here…”
No! Hopefully, I have responded with compassion and charity. If not, forgive me. That was my intention.
∼ πλ · 17 September 2004, 7 am · by Mark ¬
Yes, common grace rains down on believers and unbelievers alike. But not saving grace, or else all would be saved and we see in Revelation that there are those who are going to the Lake of Fire.
Does the Father love the Son unconditionally? If it were possible for the Son to act apart from the Father’s wishes, Jesus would share the same fate as Satan. But there is a beautiful unity in the Trinity and this is the source of God’s love for the Son, mysterious as it is. This is the way that Christ loved those whom the Father gave to him, not because he went against the anger he might humanly harbor (apart from his divine nature which is impossible) for his enemies as we experience feelings.
So, to simplify, the Father loves his elect because of the righteousness with which he clothes them by his Son. Without this righteousness, we die with his wrath still upon our heads. (Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him. - John 3:36). Even in John 3:16, belief is required to inherit eternal life. If you do not believe in God’s unconditional election, this means you have to work to earn his favor by asserting your belief, making you a better and wiser person than one who does not believe. This is not unconditional. If you do believe that he is the author and finisher of our faith, as I do, then this faith is a gift from God (Eph 2:8, Heb 12:1-2).
I’m not saying that God does not love those he has not chosen. As you pointed out, he rains goodness on the just and the unjust alike. Nor does he take pleasure in sending someone to hell. He does not desire than anyone go to hell (2 Peter 3:9?), yet in his unsearchable wisdom and by his decree, he allows this.
The fnished work of Christ that I mentioned above was decreed before the foundations of the world. That’s when God loved his elect and made a way for them to justly enter heaven. Everyone who has been saved throughout history, before and after the cross was saved by the work of Christ on the cross. I can’t read Ephesians 1:3-10 without becoming breathless at how much and how long he has loved me (us)!
And lastly, I am not saying that we should love anyone based on their righteousness, or how we feel towards them, etc. On the contrary.
This is all too much for a comment section. I agree with you 95% of the way. There is an unconditional aspect as it seems. But apart from the person and work of Jesus Christ, both redemptively and by his indwelling Spirit, unconditional love cannot exist. Preconditioned love is far more powerful and rooted in the character and faithfulness of the infinitely wise and loving God. May his name be praised!
∼ πλ · 17 September 2004, 12 pm · by Bill Lueg ¬
Bill,
I think I agree with nearly everything you wrote in your last comment, especially about saving grace. I understand the part about “The finished work of Christ…was decreed before the foundations of the world”; but, when you mention the word “elect,” the word “predestination” pops into my head. I am still grappling with this concept because it seems to fly in the face of free will. (I think we agree that we cannot save ourselves. Only God’s saving grace will sanctify us, but we have to choose to participate.) I guess I do not understand what you mean by “preconditional.”
“If you do not believe in God’s unconditional election, this means you have to work to earn his favor by asserting your belief.”
To be honest Bill, I am at a lost to understand this statement. It feels like you are positing a contradiction in logic. What do you mean by “God’s unconditional election”? The second part about earning God’s favor is impossible—I believe that there is *nothing* we can do to make God love us any more or any less than what He does now. The choice is ours whether to particate or not. This of course is *the* condition to become sanctified and become right with God, but this does not deny that God loved us first, unconditionally.
“There is an unconditional aspect as it seems.”
This statement makes it seem that agape only appears to be unconditional, but that it is in fact not in reality. Do I have the meaning of this correct? Coupled with a statement from your link above about some pastor saying unconditional love was a bad thing, makes every created fiber of my being scream that this is a contradiction to what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13.
I have this nagging feeling that we are not talking about the same thing. Are we?
∼ πλ · 18 September 2004, 10 am · by Mark ¬
I just wanted to get in on the act here as per conditional love vs unconditional love.
I believe that conditional love is something that we all start off with as infants (in Christ) and as we mature and grow in the Spirit, we grow in the knowledge of the love of Christ — a gift of the Holy Spirit (knowledge, that is). I feel that in my experience of loving unconditionally that my ability to do so came not from *me* and *my* willing it, but rather from my willing it to *be*, in other words, my will to conform myself to Christ’s Love — His Will.
I know that although I have this knowledge and have only learned it through Grace, my free will remains and I still don’t always love unconditionally. It’s not as though I’m immune to placing conditions on my love for someone…but the knowledge and the gift is still there for me…and I know where it is…and it remains more a responsibility of *mine* to use it than it is for say, an infant in Christ.
So, I guess what I’m *trying* to say is you can’t fake it, you can’t earn it, you can’t force it. It is a gift from God and I don’t think it is something inherent in human nature.
Gosh, I hope I was clear enough….I doubt it.
By the way, my first time here and I like what I see!
Thanks!
∼ πλ · 21 September 2004, 8 am · by Alexa ¬
Alexa — You were very clear.
∼ πλ · 21 September 2004, 1 pm · by Mark ¬
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