« Previous Entry  ::  Next Entry »

Disappear

16 July 2005, 3 pm | Faith, Song

I have almost deleted this whole weblog three times in the past two weeks. Had my finger of the delete button, ready to go, but didn’t. Not sure why. I have not really been reading other weblogs either. Nothing seems to satisfy.

It all stems from being very frustrated lately. I have tried to write a half dozen posts but none of them seem right. The words do not seem to flow. They are all jammed up in my head and heart. And what words do seem to come out, many of them feel wrong, or miss the point I was trying to convey. The same with prayer. I desperately want to pray but the words feel so dry, empty, and hollow. I know that the desire and just turning toward God is in a way a form of prayer, but it does not seem like enough. Most words that have come out in my prayer have been tear stained. Selfish prayers for myself. I should be praying for others instead of myself.

I feel so broken, weak, ugly, empty. I feel like I am doing just about everything wrong. Richard Rohr in Everything Belongs says, “The great and merciful surprise is that we come to God not by doing it right but by doing it wrong!” I don’t know. This makes sense in a way because if we were perfect than there would be no need of God. But what I see in my heart is just too… Lord have mercy on me.

[Take a deep breath.]

I know God loves me. And in light of what I see in myself and the way I feel, His awesome love brings me to tears. It is just too much and too good to believe.

I have also heard that when you get closer to the pure light of the Lord, you begin to notice more of your own sinfulness and ugliness. I am not saying that I am on that path. I pray that I am. And if I am not, please Lord put me on there.

[Another deep breath.]

The Bebo Norman song “Disappear” sums up a big part of what I am feeling:

On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock
A million miles from the world, the noise, the commotion
That never seems to stop

And on a day like this I want to run away from the routine
Run away from the daily grind that can suck the life
Right out of me
I know of only one place I can run to…

chorus
I want to hide in You
The Way, the Life, the Truth
So I can disappear
And love is all there is to see
Coming out of me
And You become clear
As I disappear

I don’t want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies that trick my eyes
They say it’s all about me
I’m so tired of it being about me…

chorus

I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
If I don’t bring You glory…

I don’t feel like I am bringing glory to God.

And now, as I am about to finalize this post to the weblog, I wonder if I have exposed too much of my heart here. Do I delete it? Do I allow comments? If anyone reading this decides to post a comment, please, like the song says, don’t let it be about me.

Comments

  1. Not about you but about us all … I do not know why we sometimes feel as if it is unworthy to pray for ourselves (and I have been there too). But if we saw a brother or sister in such pain of the soul, would we not be fervently praying for them? And why should we not do so for ourselves … as long as that does not beome the main focus of it all?

    What I have been “getting” for some time now is probably no help at all but it has been immeasurably helpful to ME whenever I have gotten too revved up for whatever reason … which is to remember to “rest in God.” We ask, we try, and HE will do the heavy lifting. Dont’ know if that makes sense but there it is.

    In the meantime, i will say this for ME … please don’t hit that “delete” button. Selfish, I know, but I’d miss you very much my friend. :-)

    ∼ πλ · 17 July 2005, 8 am · by Julie D. ¬

  2. oh, i am right with julie on this *don’t delete* issue - i’d be confused and wondering and selfishly missing you, as well.

    sometimes, we need to get out beyond our comfort zone and say “i’m in a bad way; please pray for me.” i swear, we have some really effective prayer warriors in cyberspace…i’ve physically felt prayers lift my sorry spirit and have even been so bold as to come back and ask for more when i feel as though they have relented.

    regardless of your *why*, i am praying for you.

    peace.

    ∼ πλ · 17 July 2005, 12 pm · by ~m2~ ¬

  3. honestly mark - i had no idea - all i saw was your first paragraph before i posted a reply so i am now really going to storm the gates on your behalf.

    ∼ πλ · 17 July 2005, 12 pm · by ~m2~ ¬

  4. New reader here and truly enjoying your blog. My heart goes out to you. Days and times like what you are experiencing are so, so difficult.

    Even so, such days are times of transformation. So in a sense, I am happy for you, strange as that might sound. I have been through such difficult days and am in such difficult days even now. What He accomplishes in us during such times, if we allow, is truly amazing.

    Perhaps it is a time for you to learn to rest in the prayers of others. To surrender to knowing that God knows what is in your heart and to trust His knowing. Perhaps it is a time when your heart is ‘broken wide open’ as I once read, though I can’t recall who said it. Perhaps you have an inkling of the reason. Perhaps not. But He knows. Rest in that.

    I cannot know the reason and purpose for your difficult days, but I do know there will good come of it. Incredible good. A depth and richness to your relationship with God that you will share with others. The darkest times reveal to us His mercy and grace and faithfulness. Bathed in His love, our hearts broken wide open and surrendered, we are transformed simply by His presence.

    What He accomplishes in such a transformed life is, as you say, not about us at all. It’s all about Him.

    God bless you so.
    Kas

    ∼ πλ · 18 July 2005, 1 am · by Kas ¬

  5. I want to say something, something profound, something worthy, something uplifting, but I’ve been there, as many others have, and perhaps there is no word of comfort in this struggle today, perhaps there is. Perhaps, merely knowing that others struggle with you, alongside you, in this, will be comforting.

    Together, we stand tall, we hold each other up, we carry each other towards Him when we cannot ourselves.

    ∼ πλ · 19 July 2005, 12 pm · by Crystal ¬

  6. Thank you all for the comments and words of encouragement, prayer, concern, and love. They brought tears to my eyes. You all are in my prayers.

    The frustration is still there. The words still feel jammed up, both in prayer and writing. But I am not pushing to try to get them out. They will come when they do.

    As the old tried and true clitche goes, it really is time to let go and let God.

    ∼ πλ · 20 July 2005, 11 am · by Mark ¬

  7. Re: “If anyone reading this decides to post a comment, please, like the song says, don’t let it be about me.”

    Given my constant desire to talk about me, this is a request I can honor quite easily.

    With respect to prayer, my mind constantly goes back to what Pope John Paul II said when asked how he prays. He said “as the Holy Spirit allows”. Beautiful. I always think prayer is my doing. It takes a lot of pressure off when I realize God and I are in this thing together, he’s not an impartial observer but surreally on my side. Often easier said than put in practice, but there it is.

    ∼ πλ · 22 July 2005, 1 pm · by TSO ¬

  8. Oh, yes - this is a wonderful post on prayer:

    http://amywelborn.typepad.com/openbook/2005/07/the_witness_of_.html

    ∼ πλ · 22 July 2005, 2 pm · by TSO ¬

  9. A wise and loving man once said to me, “The good always outweighs the bad. Sometimes we get so caught up dealing with the bad, we forget to look for the good. Rmember to smile; It helps you to look at the good.” I love you and will pray for you also! I will always be here, praying!
    Love ya!

    ∼ πλ · 25 July 2005, 9 am · by Danielle ¬

  10. I just finished reading the rest of the post and I too feel in the same situation as you Mr. Woo. I feel so drawn to God but everything seems so…wrong. I pray and I pray but I feel as if its not true or…I’m not exactly sure how it feels. I cry out to God at night, when I feel especially lonely and I pretend that I feel His presence and His arms around me comforting me. When I pray, I cry because I know He’s with me and loves me but I feel so unworthy or even, lost. I just want to do what is right and it just doesn’t feel like its right or even that I’m doing it wrong. I will pray, for others not myself anymore because a lot of people need it too, including you, even if you don’t want this to be about you, it is, and I will pray.
    I must say, if I pray for others, it seems heartfelt and good but whenever I try to pray for myself it seems wrong and that I’m slowly going away from God whenever I’m truly trying to be with Him; like I’m stuck in the mud, trying to get to Him but not being able to move. He’ll help me and He’ll help you and He loves us both, whether or not we feel like we’ve done enough, because just by wanting as much as we do, we have. I love Mr. Woo and never give up cause I need you help me be strong!

    ∼ πλ · 25 July 2005, 10 am · by Danielle ¬

  11. Strength in prayer comes only with patience, I think.
    What scares me most during times like that is my doubt. Sometimes I spend hours on “the other side” giving what sound like sane reasons to not believe and imagine myself as a non-believer. Then the realization hits me that I can’t *not* believe. And then I know that it isn’t “me” that has decided my faith. It was God. And rationally, therefore, it must be the Spirit of God who allows me to talk to Him in prayer…when and if it happens.
    And it ain’t often.
    *sigh*
    God blesses you.

    ∼ πλ · 26 July 2005, 3 pm · by Alexa ¬

— Sorry, no more comments may be added. —